When we rely solely on our past-accumulation-self-identity-symbol-system (or ‘small self’) to communicate we largely pass fear-hurt energy around and spend our time in reactivity. This is both exhausting and isolation increasing. The life expanding intention to live as Love rather than fear opens us up to our inner toolkit to communicate heart to heart with authenticity. The resource we have at hand is the skillful use of intuition or felt perception. This is the ability to read the energy behind a story shared with the assistance of non-judgemental Love-Presence rather than taking it personally while interpreting only symbol-system content. We can work with this skillful felt perception both with our own inner ‘dialogue’ and with others. I call this ‘compassionate here-ing’. It is a beautiful way to really feel listened to and to listen.
To clarify my use of the term skillful, for much of my life I have listened to others and myself using felt perception but have often misinterpreted the core meaning of this perception of difficult energy as that I was somehow unlovable or wrong or not good enough, (we often disparagingly call this ‘being a victim’). This painful response to fear/hurt energy is characteristic of the lens of the ‘small me’ and is what gives rise to the attack/defence cycle of communicating that most of us live with. My experience was to empathically feel the fear-hurt energy behind much of the ways people communicate on Earth and then have great difficulty not taking it personally in the negative. We all do this. Empathic types will tend to self-blame more often and de-sensitised types will more often choose to blame others as a form of self-protection; ‘Others are unlovable or wrong or not good enough’. Most of us do both. The dance of attack and counter-attack (we call this defense) ensues. Attempting to be helpful by labelling a person during an episode of this fear/hurt experience of unworthiness as ‘being a victim’ will be construed by that one as an attack and will not help them. This is because it increases, confirms and adds to the pain of the story being experienced. A person in a victim state will only be relieved of this state by the opportunity to call on non-judgemental-Love Presence to assist. This assistance can be welcomed using compassionate here-ing. In the same way, attempting to dispel the rage of a person in the midst of self-protection through attack by name-calling their actions will result only in an increase in their rage and pain. Responding with compassionate here-ing opens hearts to resolve difficult energy using non-judgemental Presence. This is ending the war.
We misunderstand each other and we bypass our own and other’s pain. We sometimes believe compassionate and loving listening means to offer a way of bypassing our feelings to the positive interpretation rather than the negative. This creates the experience of living on a pendulum, swinging back and forth between the poles, attempting to find balance. The Tao as a symbol shows us that it is not about favouring the positive or negative pole but by finding the divine balance of the flow of energy. When we self-bypass and bypass each other we don’t feel listened to. Why do we bypass? Because we fear the energy that is really being communicated and want to offer the other (and ourselves) a better feeling energy. This could be seen as an attempt to be loving, but it misses a very important step: the loving acceptance of what is. If we become lovingly Present to difficult energy, we receive the assistance of Unity-consciousness to balance the energy, rather than avoidant reactivity based on an underlying fear-separation motivation. We think trying to add positive energy will tip the scales out of the negative and this of course makes sense in terms of a scale metric, but our energy can more accurately be understood as a dynamic interplay of wholeness experienced in motion. I offer the use of the Tao as a helpful symbol of what I mean by balance here rather than using the metric of a scale or pendulum. We admonish each other and ourselves for openly sharing the honest urge to end the experience of fear-hurting-sharing as ‘whinging’ (but we still do it). Whinging is simply the experience of not being listened to both by our own self and by others, it is a type of energy resistance. I have been looking deeply into understanding whinging for some years and share here my insights.
Continued in part 2